It can seem so easy to connect to grandkids when they’re little. Even something as simple as playing peek-a-boo over FaceTime can elicit giggles and smiles. In the elementary school years, many kids relish time at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. You can probably think back to activities you enjoyed together, like a trip to the aquarium, the pool or the park.
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The teen years are tricky. Instead of wanting to come visit, they have plans with their friends. FaceTime calls go unanswered, and texting gets you one-word responses, if any. It’s a change Eileen Carra, who has five grandchildren, including three teen grandchildren, experienced firsthand.
“I live close to my grandkids and, when they were younger, I did a lot of babysitting. We did art together. We took walks. But once they became teenagers, they wanted to spend time with their friends instead,” Carra told HuffPost.
The ways you bonded with your grandchildren in their younger years won’t typically work during the teen years; they no longer need a babysitter, for one. But there are a few foolproof ways to stay connected, as experts and grandparents who’ve figured it out share here.
1. Text instead of call.
Darby Fox, a child and adolescent therapist and author of “Rethinking Your Teenager,” told HuffPost that most teens are reluctant to take a phone call; texting is more their speed. It’s less of a time commitment and is more low-pressure. Not sure what to text? “Send them a picture of something that makes them feel connected, especially if you don’t live close by,” Fox said. For example, if you have a pet you know they love, snap and send a photo next time they’re doing something cute.
Richard Eyre, who has 34 grandchildren — including 14 teen grandchildren — shared that this is what’s worked best for him, especially since he has so many grandkids to keep up with. He talks to his teen grandkids through texting, WhatsApp and social media (depending on their personal preference) and says he always gets a reply.
“I keep the messages short, like asking how a test or game they had that day was. It keeps you up to speed and is easier and more effective than sitting down and talking to them on the phone,” said Eyre, who is the author of “The Grandparenting Blueprint,” which he wrote with his grandkids.
2. Let them teach you something.
Teens are told what to do a lot, which is why Fox says one foolproof way of bonding with teen grandkids is letting them teach you something. “Teens are amazing teachers. Do you want to learn how to do something on your computer? How to use AI? They’ll want to show you,” Fox shared.
Carra, the grandparent of three teens, said she’s definitely found this to be true. “I had my granddaughter teach me how to make a playlist of all my favorite songs from the ’60s. She got it done for me, and it was such a good vibe because she was helping me,” she said.
3. Offer to drive them somewhere.
If you live close to your grandkids and they don’t have either their driver’s license or their own car, offering to drive them somewhere can create a great opportunity for conversation, something Carra has experienced firsthand.
“One of my grandkids is 15 and both of her parents work. She’s not ready to drive yet, so I take her places and we have lots of chats about her friends or other things going on in her life,” Carra said.
Often, talking while doing activities that don’t involve direct eye contact, like driving or cooking, can make it easier to open up because it feels less intense, said Emily Waitt, a therapist specializing in adolescents and young adults.
4. Withhold your judgment.
Francesca James has two grandkids, including a teen grandson. She prides herself on being close to him. In fact, she said her grandson told her about his first kiss before he told his parents. The secret to their bond? Keeping herself as a judgment-free zone.
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Therapists Fox and Waitt say this is key. It’s a crucial difference between parents and grandparents. Eyre said this, too. “Grandkids need someone who is categorically different from their parents. Part of being a parent is supervising and disciplining. But grandparents get to listen. I tell my grandkids, ‘I’m just here to listen. There’s no risk in talking to me. I’m just the ear,’” he said.
Of course, this means you have to actually mean it. Unless what your grandkid tells you is a danger to their health or someone else’s, both therapists say to keep it to yourself.
Waitt says withholding judgment also means avoiding any “when I was your age” conversations. Instead, if you communicate your love while withholding your judgment, you just may find your grandkids will confide in you naturally.
5. Get specific with your questions.
Waitt says a lot of grandparents get frustrated because they’ll ask a teen how school’s going, what they learned that week, or simply how they’re doing and only get one-word answers in reply. In general, she says, broad questions like these don’t work because they feel like prying. Also, teens generally don’t know how to answer them.
Instead of asking broad questions like these, Waitt says to get specific. For example, ask them their thoughts on a topic you know they’re interested in, like a recent sports game or a new movie. Waitt also recommends avoiding emotionally charged questions, like asking who they have a crush on. Instead, keep the topics light.
It can feel like you’re hitting a wall when every question you ask your grandchild is met with a “fine,” “good,” or “I don’t know.” Here are some that will get you more of a response:
1. Can you help me with this?
Remember Fox’s earlier point about how teens love to share their knowledge? Ask for it. Anything technology-related, social media, help playing a video game … not only will you get more than a one-word response, you’ll leave the conversation with a new skill.
2. When would be a good time to call?
As the experts explained earlier, you’ll likely have better luck communicating with your teen grandkids via text instead of calling. But if you do want to have a longer conversation with them, Waitt recommends texting them to ask when a good time to call would be instead of just hitting dial. This not only gives them the chance to plan, it gives them an emotional heads-up so they go into the conversation ready to engage rather than being caught off guard.
3. Are you hungry?
One lesson grandmothers James and Carra have learned: Always have food. If you want a teen to have a conversation with you, James says, food is a must — even better if you can get them into the kitchen so you can make it together.
Carra shared that sometimes her teen grandkids will come over and she’ll ask them questions about school or their friends and not get much of a response. But once she gets a snack on the table, they start opening up. “Talking over a snack feels more nonchalant and less like grilling them,” she said.
What’s most important when it comes to staying connected with your teen grandkids is making the effort. You may not get it right every time, but don’t give up.
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