Thanks To 'The Invite,' Everyone Is Talking About Orgies. Here's What It’s Actually Like To Attend One.

If you’ve watched the summer movie “The Invite,” you’ve probably seen the scene: Olivia Wilde’s and Seth Rogen’s characters discover that Penelope Cruz’s and Edward Norton’s characters are involved in sex parties, and they immediately want to know everything.

What happens at one? Who gets invited? Are there rules? What are you supposed to do when you arrive? And perhaps most importantly: How does everyone know what’s OK?

It’s a funny scene, but the curiosity behind it is real. As sex parties and other forms of consensual non-monogamy have become more openly discussed, the questions around them have moved out of whispered conversations and into the mainstream.

So, what is actually happening behind those closed doors?

First, a terminology note: While “orgy” is the word most people know, people involved in these communities often use terms like sex party or play party, depending on the type of event. And despite the assumptions you might have, these gatherings aren’t necessarily the free-for-all many people imagine — although there is plenty of sex.

From opening circles and introductions to conversations about boundaries and safer sex — to even playing a game of Scrabble — the reality can involve considerably more communication and more normalcy than an outsider might expect.

Here’s what people who have attended these parties want you to know.

How do you get invited?

There isn’t one way to get an invitation. Sometimes it’s through someone you know; other times, you might find a party from various groups online.

“For smaller events, you usually get invited because you know someone who is either putting it on or who is already going,” said certified sexologist and relationship coach Kevin Anthony. “In some areas, there are communities/groups you can become a member of that will either host events or disseminate lists of events going on in the community.”

For private gatherings, Anthony said, hosts may be selective.

“When I have personally hosted events, all participants either have to be people I personally know or come highly recommended by someone I personally know who can vouch for the maturity and integrity of the person they would like to invite,” he said.

Inka Winter, an erotic filmmaker, sex educator and counselor, said it’s helpful to distinguish between organized play parties and private orgies.

“Play parties are usually organized by an event organizer, they happen regularly and serve a larger community,” Winter said. “Orgies are smaller, private events that anyone who feels like having an orgy can organize with people they know and are interested in being sexual with.”

For people looking for organized events, Winter recommends seeking out sex-positive communities.

“Meeting like-minded people on [apps like] Feeld and FetLife probably will help find people that are already in those communities,” she said.

Leah Carey, a relationship and intimacy coach, found her first sex party through Meetup. “The only reason I was OK doing it was because, one, the listing said it was OK to just watch, and, two, I figured just walking in the door would be a big stretch, so I gave myself permission to leave right away if I didn’t feel good about it.”

What should you expect when you arrive?

Carey said she was “terrified” the first time she attended a sex party. Instead, fortunately, she said, “it turned out to be a lovely experience.”

“The thing that surprised me most was how much talking there was,” Carey said. “The evening began with an opening circle where the facilitator introduced himself and had everyone go around the circle to introduce themselves and how they were feeling about being there. Most people said some version of ‘good’ or ‘excited,’ but I landed on ‘fucking terrified.’”

After the facilitator explained the consent rules, attendees participated in icebreakers.

“The final icebreaker was to get in a small group with two or three other people and negotiate for something to do together for five minutes that all three of you are an ‘enthusiastic yes’ to,” Carey said.

“Every other sex party I’ve been to has followed this same format — opening circle, introductions, consent rules, ice breakers, playtime,” she added.

What about consent?

It should be known that being at a sex party does not mean you get to do anything to anyone at any time.

“The short answer is always with consent!” Anthony said. “If someone sees a scene they are interested in, they can politely approach and ask if it is OK to join. There should never be an expectation that just because someone is at a sex party and having sex in front of others that they are open and willing for anyone to join.”

If someone says no, Anthony said, “it is your responsibility not to take it personally or react negatively. You have no idea why the person said no nor do they need to explain it to you.”

His preferred response if someone says ‘no’ is: “Thank you for taking care of yourself.”

Winter said consent is no different at an orgy than in any other sexual encounter.

“It must be specific, voluntary, informed, enthusiastic and ongoing,” she said. “Agreeing to attend an orgy is not consent to participate in every activity or to have sexual contact with every person there. Each new person and activity requires its own check-in, and anyone can change their mind at any time.”

Carey said people should also treat “maybe later” as a no.

“If someone says anything other than ‘yes’ to playing, you don’t go back and ask again,” she said. “If they say ‘no’ or ‘maybe later’ or anything else vague, you should take that as a ‘no.’”

What about protection?

Safer-sex expectations can vary between events, so Winter recommends making the rules clear before anyone gets caught up in the moment.

“Safer-sex protocols must be established before anyone becomes aroused,” she said. “The host can clearly explain the expectations, provide condoms, gloves and other barriers, and make it easy for participants to clean toys or change condoms between partners.”

Carey said attendees should also come prepared to have an honest conversation about sexually transmitted infections and their own sexual health.

“You should know your current STI status,” she said. “In general, that means having been tested in the last six months and being able to talk about what your risk profile has been since you last were tested.”

For instance, Carey said, you might tell someone, “‘I was tested four months ago and everything came back negative. Since then, I’ve been with one new partner with a penis and we used condoms for penetration and one new partner with a vagina and we didn’t use any barriers for oral.’”

Carey also noted that conversations about herpes can be part of that disclosure.

“A huge portion of the population also has herpes, so people will generally share whether they have Type 1 or Type 2, when the last time was that they had an outbreak, and if they’re on antivirals,” she said. “From there, a potential play partner can make an informed decision about whether you fit within their risk profile.”

Anthony notes that people can have different comfort levels around protection.

“Each person has their own desired level of protection,” he said. “Some will be more strict and some will be less strict.”

Essentially, said Anthony, it’s up to you to speak up for what you need when it comes to protection. “If the person you are wanting to play with is not up to your level of necessary protection, then simply politely decline the interaction,” he added.

What’s the etiquette around watching, touching and joining?

With sexual activity happening around you, an outsider might wonder how you know when it’s OK to watch, approach someone, or join in. According to Winter, the answer starts with treating every interaction as something that requires its own invitation.

“Good etiquette begins with asking rather than assuming,” she said. “Watching may also require consent, particularly in a smaller or more intimate gathering.”

That can mean asking directly: “May I watch?” “Can I touch you?” or “Would you like me to join?”

“A general invitation to the orgy is not blanket consent,” Winter said. “Consent remains specific to the person, the activity and the moment.”

Winter also said communicating boundaries doesn’t have to make an encounter feel awkward or overly formal.

“I think the problem begins with the assumption that expressing a boundary is somehow clinical or disruptive,” she said. “If communicating boundaries were more normalized, it would not feel abrupt or like an interruption, it would simply be part of how we communicate during sex. Talking about what we do and do not want is part of erotic communication, and it often creates more trust, relaxation and freedom.”

There’s also no requirement that everyone who attends has to participate sexually. Carey said some people are perfectly happy to watch, socialize or simply be present in the environment.

“Other rules include that people are allowed to just sit and watch,” Carey said. “It’s often said as ‘observation IS participation’ — some people are voyeurs, so watching is their favorite activity.”

She said watching can also be a way to participate in the atmosphere without being actively involved.

“But it’s also great if you aren’t feeling up to playing but want to be in the energy, or if you’re between activities and need a rest,” Carey said.

And if someone wants to join an interaction that’s already happening, they need permission from everyone involved.

“You can’t join anything that’s already in progress without getting a verbal OK from everyone who is already involved,” Carey said. “So if there are four people playing in a group, you have to get a ‘yes’ from every one of the four people.”

Is there actually a lot of socializing?

According to Carey, yes.

“Every party I’ve been to has a snack space outside the playroom where people hang out when they’re not actively playing,” she said. “I once had a very funny conversation with a friend about the Roman Empire in the middle of a party room.”

At another event, “a Scrabble board was brought into the party room and people would put down a word or two when they weren’t playing.”

Basically, these parties aren’t just about sex. They’re about nonphysical connections, too.

“I’ve formed real friendships with people at play parties and also met people who I ended up dating after,” Carey said.

What should couples know before going?

If you happen to be part of a couple who’s invited to participate in a sex party, much like Wilde’s and Rogen’s characters, Anthony recommends talking through expectations well before the event.

“Discuss how you both feel about it, what each of you wants to get out of the event, what your mutually agreed-upon rules for engaging with others are,” he said.

He also recommends talking afterward, once everyone has had a chance to process the experience.

“Talk to each other about your highlights, lowlights, things that worked for you, and things that didn’t,” Anthony said.

That preparation can be particularly important because, as Anthony points out, these experiences can affect a relationship in unexpected ways. “Sex parties can be an amazing way to share connection and sexuality with your partner and others,” he said. “They can also be a train wreck for you, your partner, and the relationship.”

For those going solo, Carey said the idea of a sex party can seem much more intimidating to outsiders than it is in practice.

“There’s an idea that this is a really edgy, outrageous thing that people only do if they’re really wild and adventurous,” she said. “But if the idea of seeing and hearing other people’s sex is intriguing, it’s truly not nearly as scary as it may seem.”

And if you’re still feeling overwhelmed by the idea of attending a sex party — or simply aren’t sure what to expect — Carey offers a simple piece of advice: “The only requirement is that you are willing and able to understand consent. Everything else is figure-out-able.”